Strays 
written by Starry Nyte
Note: For several months, a version of this article was here, asking that the original author contact me, since I couldn’t find her. She recently found CatStuff, and I’m pleased to be able to present, with permission, her original piece (the “passed around on the net” version was missing an entire section and had a few other changes as well). Please ask Starry Nyte’s permission before copying this piece for your own website. By the way, I see the “rules” as evolving over a period of time, hence their formatting instead of a straight list, as it was originally written. Below is the history of the piece as well.
Stray cats will not be fed.
* Stray cats will not be fed anything except dry cat food tossed on the ground, outside.
* Stray cats will not be fed anything except dry cat food moistened with a little milk in a spare margarine container.
* Stray cats will not be fed anything except dry cat food moistened with warm milk, yummy treats and leftover fish scraps.
* Stray cats will not try to make the house cats jealous when they are eating THEIR food!
Stray cats will not be encouraged to make
this house their permanent residence and will not be petted, played with,
or picked up and cuddled.
* Stray cats will not be petted, played with,
or picked up and cuddled unnecessarily.
* Stray cats that are petted, played with,
picked up and cuddled will absolutely not be given a name.
* Stray cats will not have special toys bought
for them so that they will be tempted to come closer.
* Stray cats with or without a name will
not be allowed inside the house at any time.
* Stray cats will not be allowed inside the
house except at certain times, maybe holidays.
* Stray cats will not be allowed inside the
house except on days ending in “y”.
* Stray cats will not beat up the house cats
when they come inside the house on days ending in “Y”.
Stray cats allowed inside will not be permitted
to jump up on or sharpen their claws on the furniture.
* Stray cats will not be
permitted to jump up on, or sharpen claws on the really good furniture.
* Stray cats will not be allowed to sharpen
their claws on the people nice enough to give them a home.
* Stray cats will not climb up the insides
of people’s pants legs, clinging to the thermal underwear when they
are sharpening their claws on the people nice enough to give them a home.
Stray cats will sleep outside.
* Stray cats will sleep outside
unless it’s raining.
* Stray cats will sleep in the garage.
* Stray cats will sleep in the house but
not in the bedroom.
* Stray cats will sleep in a cardboard box
lined with an old blanket in a corner of the bedroom.
* Stray cats will not be allowed to sleep
in our bed.
* Stray cats will not be allowed to sleep
in our bed, except at the foot.
* Stray cats will not be allowed to curl
up on our pillows, tickle one ear with their tail, and purr in the other
ear all night.
* Stray cats will not be allowed to sleep
in our bed under the covers unless we’re cold.
* Stray cats will not be allowed to sleep
in our bed under the covers except at the foot.
* Stray cats sleeping under the covers at
the foot of the bed will not be allowed to chew on our feet.
* Stray cats that have a habit of chewing
toes when they sleep under the covers at the foot of the bed will find
that we’ve taken to wearing our slippers to bed.
Stray cats will
be neutered as soon as possible.
* Stray cats that are already
pregnant will sleep in a specially prepared box.
* Stray cats that are already pregnant and
searching for a place to have their babies will be given a safe place
to have them, comfortably lined with an old blanket or towels.
* Stray cats that are already pregnant and
searching for a place to have their babies will not be allowed in closets,
drawers, cupboards or spare rooms.
* Stray cats that have their babies in the
closet in our bedroom will not be allowed to pull our clothes from the
hangers.
* Stray cats that have their babies on our
best evening gown will have to live with that on their conscience forever!
We will have to live with the $90 cleaning bill.
Stray cats will not play with our feet when
we’re sitting at the desk. It makes it hard to concentrate.
* Stray cats will not play
on the desk.
* Stray cats will not play on the desk near
the computer.
Stray cats are forbidden to walk on the
computer keyboard on the desk when the human is ';lkjijn huhgtgvffdsa
trying to use it!